“There are two types of people in the world: those who prefer to be sad among others, and those who prefer to be sad alone.”
– Nicole Krauss, The History of Love
Now, I think I couldn’t have chosen a better quote for this week. If anyone noticed, I haven’t been active in posting stuff for the past week or so. It’s because I’ve been… feeling things. Hahaha. Actually, I just came back from a two-week (or was it just two?) vacation from Sadnessville.
Have you ever felt sad, really really sad, but don’t know why exactly are you feeling that way? That’s how it was for me lately. Out of the blue, I’ll just feel sad and no matter how I try, I can’t think of a specific reason why. Someone told me, though, that maybe there is a reason (or reasons) but I just can’t point a finger at it.
So what do I do whenever I’m sad? I want to be alone, with very little to no interaction with other people. Because with the presence of people I know, either of this happens: they’ll notice I’m not okay, and then ask me what’s wrong but I can’t answer them because even I don’t know what is wrong; or if I want to avoid questions I’ll just pretend I’m okay even though I’m not, but sometimes that it hard for me. So as part of avoiding other people, I wasn’t online much which explains the lack of blog posts.
But I didn’t want to be alone alone. Because that’s when I usually break down—and by that, I mean cry uncontrollably. So I seek large crowds of people, people who don’t know me. I go to the mall and stay there as long as I can, to pass time and distract myself. I go to bookstores, and look at books that I can’t afford to buy (yet)—and I feel sad even more (hahaha kidding). But you get the idea.
The bright side of all these is that, I finished three books in the last week. You know how some people try to avoid conversations by pretending to read? That’s what I did, except I’m not pretending. If it’s one way for me to read more, maybe I’ll spend more time alone in the future.
Also, there was one time when during a lunch break, I spontaneously went out of the office to eat lunch at my university (I usually eat lunch in the office pantry). Oh how I missed that place. Coincidentally, it’s finals week so there aren’t many people in the campus, I got to enjoy the view. I ate at the place where my college friends and I used to eat back then and I realized the price of the food increased! But I enjoyed the familiar taste of pancit canton, bacon sandwich and iced tea. And I think no matter how many times college made me cry and broke my heart, UP will always be my sanctuary.
It’s always a cycle. After days of being ultra mega sad, I’ll be okay and then after some time I’ll fall into the deep pit of sadness again.
So I’m writing this. And I’m okay… for now. I hope this lasts for long.
Have you ever felt sad, really really sad, but don’t know why exactly are you feeling that way?