Have you ever felt sad, really really sad, but don’t know why exactly are you feeling that way?
Yesterday I talked about how I’ve been feeling sad for the past weeks while I can’t point a finger at the reason why. This is not the first time for me. When I was in college I would experience days, weeks of feeling down, being emotionally and mentally tired-to-death. But most of the time it just boils down to bad exam scores and the overall pressure of studying. Now, it’s harder for me to figure out why, because it’s been almost a year since I got out of the university and there are no more exams for me to blame anymore.
I really want this to end because I can see it’s not good for me anymore—I cry at the moment I’m left alone, I can’t focus on my tasks at work, people around me think I’m mad at them because it seems to them I’m pushing them away. So I sat down today and tried to think hard. To end this, I need to know first why I’m feeling this way.
Here are the things I listed down:
One way or another, it seems, exams and academics still find ways to affect me emotionally. I used to cry when I can’t solve my Machine Problems, I hated myself when I was an hour late for my one-and-a-half-hour CS 30 exam, I hated myself even more when I went to Geog 1 and Physics 10 one day and totally had no idea that there will be an exam, I even contemplated about jumping off from the Main Library when I almost failed Math 53. I got through all that, because I convinced myself that there’s nothing else I could do but move on.
Now, it’s not as easy because it is not my grades I’m worrying about. I have this friend who always talks to me whenever he’s frustrated and disappointed with himself because of his grades, and no matter how I try, I can’t comfort him. It’s finals weeks (or hell weeks, we call them), so he talks about this even more than ever. It saddens me terribly that he feels bad about himself and I couldn’t do anything about it.
Other people’s problems
I’m easily affected when other people share their problems to me. I recently read that emotions (both positive and negative ones) can actually be contagious, I think that would quite explain this.
Also, I’m the type of person who always has this urge to make everyone around me happy. I guess I’m used to being sad and I don’t want other people to feel that way too. So whenever I know someone is not okay, I try my best to make them feel better. And sometimes it just doesn’t work, like with the first reason above, and it makes me feel worse.
I’m missing people
One of my ways to cope with sadness is to spend time with my close friends. And to tell you, I have a very very few close friends. It takes me a very long time to open up to people and even if I’ve known your for a long time, there’s no guarantee I’ll open up to you. That said, during the last weeks, most of my close friends either work and live far away from me, or are still studying and currently battling their way out of the hell week (reviewing for exams, finishing their thesis, etc.) I basically have no one to turn to and I never felt more alone. God, I miss them.
I think this is not one of the main reasons, but it did screw up my feelings too. Last Monday I watched Game of Thrones thinking that would give me a break and ease my mind. But no, they decided to do that to Hodor. I’m used to GoT murdering every character we love, but Hodor is so… innocent. I couldn’t speak for a full minute. The episode left me scarred for life.
I’m kind of not happy with what’s happening with my life right now. There are things I want to do and dreams I want to pursue but I can’t because of other responsibilities. Worse, I see some of my batch mates living the life they want, or on their way to achieving their dreams. I know it’s not good to compare, but sometimes I ask myself why can’t I do those things for myself too?
Okay so now that I know my reasons, what’s next? I don’t know… maybe I’ll try not to think of these things and be happy instead? It’s easier said than done, but I’ll try… I will.
If you’re reading this, I’m sorry for posting a slightly (or very) personal post. I just needed to write about this and let it out.
And please do something I’m having a hard time doing:
Be happy. 🙂